Archive | May, 2013

Mini-Vans are the Devil, and you’re SATAN if you tell me otherwise.

2 May

So you have had the honored privilege of giving birth. Great! Join the billions of others before you, and those who will also join the ranks, oh one just did, and another, and another. Yes indeed it is factual to state that women give birth everyday.. heck every minute.

So who gave you the right to tell us to drive mini-vans???? HEADS WILL ROLL!!! I have a peeve about those retched metal cubbyhole, crust infested, dusty, maroon velvet, TV dinner machine like carriages.

I want to feel free and sEXy when I load my spawn into my vehicle. The wind in my hair, tangling it like a beauty fan in an exotic Fadil Berisha photoshoot. I dont want to look like I’ve just entered a cave of velcro, maternity pants, and 1970’s nursing bras. The feel of 48 breakable shiny useless features must grace my presence so my narcissistic iphone, self portrait, instagram images can have a backdrop of, “Look at me, im luxurious and I dont even need to show you what kind of car I drive.” Then getting pulled over not cause Im speeding, cause for crying out loud, BABIES ON BOARD buddy! “Everybody knows Im a good girl officer.”  (Lana Del Rey)… But because my ride is so sick..

But then again, realistically.. Ill settle for a Chevrolet Equinox. Maybe…

https://www.facebook.com/chevyequinox